There’s a curious shift that happens as women transition through perimenopause. Yes, there are the hot flashes, the sleep disruptions, the hormonal rollercoasters—but there’s something more subtle, more seismic, happening beneath the surface. It’s a quiet rebellion. A shedding of old expectations. A redefinition of what it means to be a "good woman." And often, it starts with no longer feeling the need to be nice all the time.

For decades, many of us have been socialized to be agreeable, accommodating, and self-sacrificing. To smooth over conflict. To put others’ needs ahead of our own. And to do it all with a smile. But what happens when the very hormones that once reinforced those nurturing, people-pleasing behaviors begin to wane?

Something powerful. Something necessary.

Hormones and the Erosion of People-Pleasing

In perimenopause, estrogen and progesterone begin their slow, volatile unpredictable decline. These hormones have long influenced not just our reproductive cycles but our emotional landscape: estrogen modulates serotonin and oxytocin, encouraging connection and harmony; progesterone has calming, anti-anxiety effects. As these chemical messengers diminish, so does our inclination to please at the expense of authenticity.

This isn’t a breakdown. It’s a breakthrough.

It’s as if our nervous systems are saying, enough. Enough pretending. Enough performing. Enough being nice when what we really need is to be real.

From ‘Nice’ to True

Being “nice” can come with a cost: silencing ourselves, tolerating mistreatment, or continuing relationships or roles that no longer serve us. What emerges instead in midlife isn’t unkindness—but discernment. A mature, refined version of selfhood that understands the difference between compassion and compliance, between generosity and self-erasure.

Many women describe this shift as unsettling at first. The early transition period of unsettling sudden uncontrolled rage or irritability eventually calms.  Leaving women with loosened inhibitions but still in complete control. Women may worry about becoming "too blunt," "too much," or even "mean." But often, what they’re really experiencing is clarity. They’re no longer bound by the same need for approval. They’re learning to say no without apology. To set boundaries without guilt. To speak truth—tempered with wisdom.

The Beauty of Selective Kindness

Let’s be clear: the alternative to being “nice” isn’t cruelty. It’s conscious kindness.  We don’t stop caring—we care more deeply and more wisely. We support those who walk with us in mutual respect. We speak with warmth where it is warranted, and with firm clarity where it is not.

And that, perhaps, is one of the most beautiful gifts of perimenopause: the inner permission to mean what we say and say what we mean, no longer diluted by the fear of not being liked.

This Is Your Becoming

If you’re feeling less tolerant, less filtered, more sure of what matters and what doesn’t—know this isn’t a loss. It’s a reclamation. You’re not becoming less of yourself. You’re becoming more yourself than ever before.

So the next time you feel the impulse to "just be nice" when your gut is telling you otherwise, pause and take a deep breath. Consider that what you’re really being called to is truth. Not everyone will like it. That’s okay. Because you’re not here to please the world.

You’re here to live honestly, speak clearly, and love with discernment.

Wellness always,

Dr. Lynd